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culture

Conversations about Sex: Own Your Pleasure

March 22, 2018 By Sid Azmi Filed Under: Conversations about Sex Tagged With: culture, evolving, pleasure, Sex, sex life

Pleasure was once elusive to me. it was a grand idea that was described by some cheesy, misrepresented, overtly romanticized scene in a television show or a paragraph in a book. By Sid Azmi, art by Heather Heckel

Growing up as a Malay Muslim in Singapore, I was taught to believe that sex is something that happened to you only if you could earn great love.

In order to earn this love, I was to behave a certain way – an obedient daughter who was religiously pious; and who could roll spring rolls like a machine and make fragrant tea for our visitors at home. I should be a “good” and devout woman; waiting patiently for a “good” man who would think I am worthy of his affections and sex. Even after I ran away from home in my late teens to attend college in the United States, I internally upheld this belief in my ideas of sex – pleasure was given to me, something that was earned. I remember the first time I used a vibrator in my mid 20’s – I cried, I sobbed. I had turn to this vibrator in my desperate need to fulfill my now latent sex life with a long term partner. Because I had never masturbated and did not know how, I followed an advice from a sex column that encouraged the use of a vibrator, which I had hoped so hard to help me expand my vacuum knowledge of sex and could quickly propel me out of my emotional abyss. As I orgasmed, I felt as though I had betrayed the natural order of things. There was nothing proud or satisfying about that moment. I had stolen a pleasurable feeling that was supposed to be gifted to me by love. I had cheated the norm and bought a knock off version of pleasure. I did not realize it then, that those thoughts and feelings of shame, disempowered me even further. Pleasure, was further away for me than ever.

Yet, my hands found themselves repeatedly reaching out for that shameful vibrator that was tucked so deep in my dresser. (Only now do I find it exhilarating as I recall those moments when I had to go on fours, naked, to reach for the liberating device, how incredibly sexy I visually was to anyone standing by!) With each orgasm I had brought on by myself, my guilt surrendered to the curiosity of the possibilities of all the various sensations I have yet to experience. Over time, the orgasms that followed mirrored nothing I had seen, heard of, read about in my life; only stronger, more reaffirming and alluring than the last. Eventually, my legs spread wider, my body shook harder and my heart become fuller. I grew more internally confident of my body and of my own ability to please myself. I became an incredible sexual human being. That was the beginning of my taking ownership of my pleasure.

The discovery of masturbation or what I would like to refer to as sexual self-care may not have been as dramatic for most people as it was for me. Children engage in it as part of a self-soothing mechanism. My own little one had described it “as a cozy feeling”, as he casually “played with” his bits nonchalantly at the playground. His action was childlike and completely non-perverted. His body and psyche was working collectively to naturally calm his nerves. By some point in our adulthood, we would have discovered that it felt good to touch our bodies and genitals; and like me, with enough curiosity and over time, succumbed to the incredible pleasant feeling it offered. Behind closed doors, many of us reveled in the joys of sexual self-care; giving in to this organic way of how our bodies can bring our state of mind to bliss. We look forward to this time alone, when we can secretly play with ourselves and indulge our minds and bodies whichever way it pleases us most. Some of us create rituals – whether it is a bath to romanticize the mood, or searching for the best porn video that would titillate our erotic minds the most – we make a small to do about spending this time alone. It is guilty pleasure, in the truest sense of the phrase. But sadly, regardless of how I would like to sugar coat it – masturbation, sexual self-care – the act of taking pleasure in our own hands, literally, makes us feel guilty, and ashamed.

In my work at Please, I have encountered countless individuals who seek to expand their sexual experience with their partners but have no idea how. We lack understanding on what our partners enjoy mainly because we ourselves have yet to discover our own preferences. The lack of knowledge comes from both ends. In order to experience a fulfilling sexual dynamic with another human being – which is what society has conditioned us to think how sex should take place – in partnership with another person, it is important to know how we, ourselves can be pleased. Therefore, it is unproductive to shame masturbation for it gives an insight to pleasure that transcends predictable missionary style fucking! I give reasons in my conversations with these individuals to why masturbation works. Watch how I unfold this! I masturbate because it feels good. I masturbate because it is my mode of relaxation. I masturbate because it makes me feel sexually alive. More importantly, I masturbate so I can learn to be an incredible lover. Has anyone said that out loud yet? I masturbate so I can understand what my body likes and dislikes. I masturbate so that I can set boundaries for how I want my body to be touched and for me to know when my body is ready to allow something more vulnerable. More importantly, I masturbate so I can create a pleasure roadmap so vast, it would be impossible for a lover to never be able to please me. Since I have learned to masturbate indulgently and without shame, I have never had bad sex with anyone. Great sex is attainable to all; and all you need to start is you.

So how about it – let us quit shaming masturbation, or pleasure, or sex (solo, with a partner or many others at the same time)? What if, as a new beginning to an evolving sex life, we project outwardly an unabashed and unapologetic pride to owning pleasure – as though it is another component of life that we as a society measure our success with? What if we began making these statements out loud: I am proud to openly say that I love masturbating and how I am able to please myself; that it feels as satisfying as being able to afford my first car! I am proud of the fact that I can have multiple orgasms on my own or with a partner; just as I am as proud of having achieved many professional accolades I worked so hard for. In proudly owning pleasure for ourselves, we are free, liberated, validated, as ease, happy. Come visit me at Please, and I will gladly trudge through this with you –  with a vibrator buzzing over our pants, out in front of our uncovered glass windows, for ourselves looking out to a world where sex and pleasure is never shameful.

 

Please visit: http://www.pleasenewyork.com

Filed Under: Conversations about Sex Tagged With: culture, evolving, pleasure, Sex, sex life

How Do I Love Thee, NYC

February 27, 2018 By Nicole Kear Filed Under: Dispatches From Babyville Tagged With: Art, authenticity, bodega, city, culture, love, music, New York City, pizza, subway

I don’t need an “I heart NY” T-shirt to proclaim my love. The proof is in the being here. As a native, I didn’t have to come here from somewhere else, but I’ve stayed. I’ve chosen to make this city home to my three kids, aged 5, 10 and 13. So, clearly, I love New York. 


But not always. 

Any relationship takes work, and my long-term love affair with the city is no different.  As places go, it’s not the easiest to keep loving. It’s high-maintenance, draining, often temperamental. It can be difficult, sometimes maddeningly so.  I just finished helping my son apply to high school while also helping my daughter apply to middle school – and if that doesn’t explain why New York and I are on the outs, nothing will.

If I could find a T shirt to express my feelings about NY of late, it wouldn’t be “I heart NY.” It would be “I have-to-sometimes-wonder-what-the-hell-I’m-still-doing-in NYC.”  Life would be easier, and cheaper, and warmer, in a lot of other places.

When this happens, when I’m fed up with re-routed trains, and exorbitantly-priced cups of coffee, when I’ve had enough of the (sometimes literal) rat race, and with the anxiety and stress that sometimes seems inescapable in the city that never sleeps — when this happens, I need to focus on the little things I love about my hometown.

I can remind myself of the big perks, the headliners – the diversity, the culture from museums to plays to music, the incredible schools I’m now intimately acquainted with – but those things, while convincing on a cerebral level, don’t make my heart melt. It’s like reading your husband’s resume – it reminds you he looks good on paper but, it doesn’t make you swoon. What makes you swoon are the small idiosyncrasies, his off-kilter sarcasm, the scratch of his unshaved face, the particular tilt of his head as he looks at you over the tops of his glasses.

What makes me swoon for this city are the same kind of small stuff, stuff that doesn’t mean anything but, at the same time, means everything. How do I love thee, NYC? Let me count the ways.

1) Secret subway art 

Have you ever been on the D train, wearily staring out the filthy window, as the subway barrels out of DeKalb? And then, suddenly you think you’re seeing things because, somehow, impossibly, you seem to watching a movie on the subway wall? It’s not the mad musings of an addled brain, it’s Bill Brand’s Masstransiscope, a flipbook-style moving picture painted in the old Myrtle station. There’s so many little gems of subway art like this – the Beehive Lights at Broadway-Lafayette are another one of my favorites. That surprise, that unexpected delight, the beauty when you least expect it, that’s exactly what I love most about New York.

2) Bodega cats

Just bodegas, themselves, should be high on any list of things to love about NYC They’re the kind of things you don’t miss until they’re gone. Such was the case when I moved to LA and couldn’t figure out where to get an egg-and-cheese sandwich for under $3 in three minutes or less, while also buying Tylenol and laundry detergent. Bodegas are enough to love on their own. But the cats that live in bodegas, and create for my animal-loving (and animal-deprived) children an extensive network of surrogate pets – well, those turn the bodegas from great to beloved.

3) Walk-and-eat pizza

There is no pizza, anywhere, more portable than the New York slice.  Okay, Rome maybe. But, even then, the square shape makes it less ideal for eating while walking. The New York slice pleases palates, wallets and tight schedules, all at the same time. Let us never take it for granted.

 

4) The New York minute

Sometimes, when I’m outside of New York, I can’t help but feel like I’ve taken some psychedelic drug that make time slow to a crawl, just meeeeeeeelt, like I’m in a Dali painting. Things that take 30 seconds in NYC, like tossing a pizza pie into a box, take five . . . full . . . minutes. Now, this item probably should go on the list of “Things About NYC that Ruin You for Other Places and Probably, Just Ruin You in General” but I’m choosing to put it here. A minute in New York counts for five in most other places. So, in a way, we’re living longer. If you don’t count the toll exacted by such stress.

5) People wearing incredible things

In all sense of the word incredible – the good, the bad, and the incomprehensible. Once I saw a bunch of youngish-sounding guys wearing paper bags on their heads. Not only do I enjoy how much more interesting this makes a commute, I also relish the freedom it affords me. Knowing that a paper bag is a feasible apparel option for me – well, that’s priceless.

6) Hearing more languages than you knew existed

On the bus and the train and the sidewalk, in pharmacies and coffee shops and laundromats and banks and bathrooms and elevators. Not only do I love hearing the sounds of words I don’t understand, I love hearing my kids hear those sounds. Because what those sounds unlock is the understanding that the world is big, so big, bigger than us, bigger than we can even imagine. And what a thing to know.

7) People making music everywhere

Nothing, and I do mean nothing, raises my spirits like the right busker singing the right song at the right time. Just this morning, a guy with a guitar and a killer voice singing “I’ll Fly Away” brought grace and gratitude to my morning commute.

There’s one such moment I always think of as a kind of quintessential New York moment, a magic moment that stands apart from the rest of memory in a little well-preserved bubble. It was about two years ago, a Sunday afternoon in May and my daughter, then 8, and I were on our way to Union Square, to see a guy about a hamster. It was her first-ever real pet, and she was brimming over with joyful anticipation. A trio of men walked into our car, singing “You Are the Sunshine of My Life,” and the way their voices worked together, you could tell they’d been working together for a while. It was a big,robust sound that filled the whole car, and made us look up and smile. The passengers enjoyed the song, so much so that the trio stuck around and as we pulled into the Prince Street started a new song. “Raspberry Beret.”

“It’s Prince!” my daughter exclaimed, “On Prince Street!”

It was, indeed. Prince had died only weeks before so our listening had an unusual reverence to it.

Maybe it was because my daughter was clapping with particular fervor, or maybe it was the dollar she dropped in the hat held out for donations, but when they were done with Prince, they started singing “My Girl.” To my girl. It was a sudden, sweet serenade and my daughter beamed every bit as bright as sunshine on a rainy day.

The voices of these three strangers twined together to express, perfectly, the full feeling in my heart just then. And for a moment, I think all of us on the train felt it – or, if not all then, many. The trio and I did, at least, and my girl did, too.

A moment later, we got off the train at Union Square. My daughter was smiling the kind of smile mothers live for.

“I think that was a good omen,” she said.

I smiled back. “Me, too.”

 

Nicole C. Kear is the author of The Fix-It Friends chapter book series for kids, including Eyes on the Prize, and Three’s A Crowd, released this January from Macmillan Kids. For more info, visit fixitfriendsbooks.com.

Art by Brenda Cibrian

Filed Under: Dispatches From Babyville Tagged With: Art, authenticity, bodega, city, culture, love, music, New York City, pizza, subway

We Stoop

September 6, 2016 By Rachael Olmi Filed Under: A Thousand Words Tagged With: Brooklyn, brownstone, children, culture, family, photography, stoop, summer

IMG_4757

IMG_4803

Water

Tree

stoop.

noun. steps in front of a house or other building.

verb. to bend one’s head or body forward and downward. to lower one’s moral standards so far as to do something reprehensible.

actually, scratch
that …

verb. to gather and visit and play and hang out on the stoops of our buildings..

in brooklyn we have redefined the verb

to stoop.

we have turned it into an utmost positive.

an act of happiness and joy, filled with laughter.

we stoop..

our children are raised playing on the stoops, in the front yards.

we gather on our stoops to chat.

we stoop.

stooping … it is not a lowering, there is nothing reprehensible about it.

in fact, it is the exact opposite of those things …

we gather on our stoops, to stoop, to visit and to watch our children play and laugh with each other …

to lift each other up.

we stoop.

Filed Under: A Thousand Words Tagged With: Brooklyn, brownstone, children, culture, family, photography, stoop, summer

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